The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
