As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
