I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How naked do you want me to be?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
