apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
