o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
