I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
my shit smells like andre
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
