I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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