You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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