remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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