remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
