So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
