Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
