Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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