Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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