Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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