Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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