Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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