You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
