youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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