Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
