So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
