He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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