Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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