and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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