Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
