she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
