As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
