We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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