If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
