I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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