So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Even my vagina gasped.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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