I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
