I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
