I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
