Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
