On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
