uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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