i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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