I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
