I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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