4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
