Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's shark week go big or go home
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
