Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
