last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
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