Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think my vagina is haunted
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
