i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
