not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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