She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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