Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We left an ass print on the piano.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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