Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
