wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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