Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
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She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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