Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
