i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
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I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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