sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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