That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
