It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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