I accidentally had phone sex last night
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
