Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
