i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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